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FuNkY SuTrA
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Ah yes, the Kama Sutra. Where would we be without it's clear
and ancient teachings? What kind of state would our sex life be in without it's precise guiding in the lovemaking arts? Some
think of it as a relic of forgotten wisdom. Some see it as a literary gift from the Gods. Most people, however, just think
of it as a porn mag and simply masturbate furiously to the illustrations. |
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Ah yes, the Kama Sutra. Where would we be without it's clear
and ancient teachings? What kind of state would our sex life be in without it's precise guiding in the lovemaking arts? Some
think of it as a relic of forgotten wisdom. Some see it as a literary gift from the Gods. Most people, however, just think
of it as a porn mag and simply masturbate furiously to the illustrations. |
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*Ahem*
But it's not really about those things, is it? No, I don't believe
it's forgotten wisdom, God's gift, or a playboy from a bygone age. Let's be honest here, it's nothing magical, it's really
just some ancient guy's instructions about what to put where.
Still, it is good to know that back in an age where the average
person worried daily about starvation, war, and biblical plagues one kindly soul had removed the added worry of sticking it
up the wrong hole. It must have helped them sleep that bit better at night while shivering in their shack.
Don't be under any illusions that people didn't need the book,
however. It might all sound unimportant to you now, but who knows what disgusting monstrosities might have resulted from a
person's failure to heed the book's lessons? |
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The Funky Sutra
As good as it is, and as necessary as it no doubt was in ancient
times, the traditional Kama Sutra still finds itself lacking in today's age of social turbulence. Frankly, many of the teachings
are just plain out of date. Where do you think that Conservative MP found dead with the fish net stockings and the tangerines
fits into its subject scope, for example?
The world has changed, probably for the better. Gone are the
times where a man could simply go out and choose a wife in accordance with his riches and land. Gone are the days where a
man would dictate the laws of the house and be king in his castle. In ancient times women weren't allowed PMS, they weren't
allowed headaches. Even worse for women, there wasn't even any ice cream or comfort food!
Funky Positions
Not only are the original Kama Sutra's positions
out of date, but a large proportion of them also seem damn near impossible to fathom out. What the hell does, "When a woman
forcibly holds in her yoni the lingam after it is in, it is called the mare's position. This is learnt by practice only, and
is chiefly found among the women of the Andhra country" mean? Who knows, it sounds like a cross between bestiality and
a one armed girl playing Twister to me.
Anyway, I can assure you that the Funky Sutra
positions are not only more relevant, but are also clear, precise and easy to partake in!
Sort of.
Probably.
Maybe. |
Position One - Drunken Compromise
You know the situation, you've rolled in drunk after
a night out with the guys, you're sappy, you're loud, you're emotional but most of all, you're horny!
And so you begin your advance. You have your pants
around your ankles, you've made it up the stairs in only two tries, you're pretty confident things will still work despite
the amount you've had to drink;
But then she hits you with it "Don't touch me,
you stink of beer".
Oh shit. Let's face it guys, you can't afford to take
a shower, you're dangerously drunk and could pass out at any minute. A shower could lead to loss of consciousness, drowning,
and frankly, the chances of your equipment being up to the job after a drunken shower are roughly equivalent to those of Brad
Pitt's chances in the middle of a gay meet-a-mate-a-thon.
How many good men have travelled so far just to fail
at this point? How many good, worthy, men have had to make do with flicking through the cable channels searching desperately
for some obscure German porn before falling asleep in their own vomit?
Too many! But we will now bestow a gift upon the world.
There should only be one word on the lips of the enlightened Funky Sutra reader From Behind!
Yes, I meant two words.
Game, set, and match, me thinks. From behind she won't
even be able to see you let alone smell you, so that screws her argument, doesn't it? Everybody's happy!
Please note: You have to pay particular care to your
love making technique in this position. Falling over then passing out with you pants down halfway through the event doesn't
bode well for your chances next Friday night.
Position Two - Uh oh, you've pulled a tugboat
Hmm, doesn't look so good now you're out of the
dim seductive lights of the night club does she? Well no matter, you probably don't look much to her either. The important
thing is you're both too drunk to care. Well, that is, the important thing in her mind is you're being spontaneous and daring,
and the important thing in your mind is getting her home before your mates see.
Still, at least you both know where you stand.
Actually doing the deed is a different subject entirely, however. What happens when she lies back ready in the traditional
missionary position? Well, think Roseanne Barr on an ice cream diet, here. There's no way you're climbing up there without
breathing equipment. We're not talking the usual burning your arse on the light bulb joke here, we're talking burning your
arse on the fucking sun!
So what do you do?
Well, Sex toys can be fun for couples, right?
An industrial crane is only a big toy!
To hell with technique for this position, you're
never going see her again. Not until next Friday night when the whole ugly process repeats, anyway.
Position Three - Forgotten her Birthday/anniversary/graduation?
"I'll make it up to you!" just doesn't
cut it does it? Nor does that puppy dog "I'm sorry" look either so you can forget about that.
There's only one language women listen to in these
situations the language of gifts! Yes, yes, I'm aware that isn't actually a language. Who's writing this, me or you?
Gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! Flowers, chocolates,
clothes, dildos whatever it is she likes, you've got to buy it. Remember, the amount and quality of these gifts are directly
proportionate to the amount and quality of the sex you are likely to get.
Here's a rough table for you to follow
Technique is most important here. You need to
make sure you do what you're told, when you're told. Anything less than total compliance could lead you playing "bucking bronco"
very quickly, and could well earn you a firm kick in the nuts.
Don't squeak I didn't warn you!
Position Four - Home Alone
In case you haven't noticed, Funky Shit is a website.
Traditionally, websites are written, frequented and worshipped by nerds. Are you staring to see the pattern here? It's all
very well us giving out mystical wisdom from the Gods of Sex, but it's not a huge amount of use when you haven't got a real
female to try it out on, is it? No, don't argue with me, 'dungeons and dragons' is not a substitute by any stretch of the
imagination, and 'gaping sally' might get a puncture one day. Shit happens, you know.
Never fear, however, help is at hand from your
kindly parental figures here at FunkyShit. You see that thing at the end of your arm? That's called your hand, and it just
so happens to be your personal ticket to a world of satisfaction and well-being. What's more, hands never ever have a headache
and rarely whine about the toilet seat being left up.
So how to use it? Well, you know those signs people
in the street keep making at you all the time? Yes, the one where they 'shake' their bunched hand at you at a high velocity.
You need to apply the same technique 'down there'.
Welcome, child, to this exclusive club of which
every male in the world is a member!
People do make the sign to you in the street,
don't they? It doesn't just happen to me does it?
Technique? Did you have to be taught how to breathe as well?
I DID NOT MAKE THIS UP MYSELF
IT IS TOTALLY NONE OF MY WORK
BUT ANOTHER PERSONS
